


Felix Kjellberg: Disney Princess

by Pseudthisyafucks (collettephinz)



Series: The Long Distance Problem [10]
Category: Youtube - RPF
Genre: Crack, Cute little dates, Healthy Relationships, M/M, birds like felix, disney princess jokes, don't eat sand kids, especially beach sand, jack acts a little weird about it, kind of, small glimpses into gay boys being cute and in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 10:51:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13433175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/Pseudthisyafucks
Summary: Felix keeps letting all these birds land on him and hedoesn't seem to care.But Jack cares. Jack cares a whole fucking lot.





	Felix Kjellberg: Disney Princess

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote felix dying the other day i needed to write something nice and stupid

The first time a bird landed on Felix, it was on the edge of his shoe, at the toe, and it just sat there watching Felix expectantly. Felix hadn’t noticed it, but Jack had. Jack stared at the damn bird with his mouth agape, because what kind of balls did a bird have to have to land on the toe of a human and look the human dead in the face, no fear, no regrets? Did birds even have balls? Apparently they fucking did, or at least this one in particular. It was watching Felix eat a sandwich. It wanted Felix’s food. It wanted Felix. _What the fuck_.

“Do ye’ even feel that?” Jack asked, still blown away. Felix looked up at Jack from the newspaper he was reading (damn thing was entirely in Swedish, where the fuck had he found that?), before looking down at his shoe and laughing at the tiny bird.

“ _Hallå_ ,” Felix greeted in sing-song, smiling down at the delicate little thing and tearing off a bit of a sandwich to throw to the side, possibly some sort of offering to get the bird to leave. But the bird didn’t budge. It stared defiantly up at Felix, ignoring the food. Felix didn’t seem very perturbed, though. In fact, he just shook his head like the whole thing amused him and _went back to reading_.

Jack’s jaw was starting to hurt from how long it had hung open. “Felix,” he said. “There’s a fucking bird on yer foot.”

“It probably won’t shit or anything, it doesn’t matter.”

Jack threw his hands into the air, then threw the last bit of his sandwich off to the side for the bird to go after. _Last chance, ye’ rat with wings._ But the bird completely ignored the food again and kept staring at Felix. If Jack didn’t know any better, he’d say this bird used to be a person, a fucking asshole pervert that was in love with Felix and trying to steal him away from Jack with aggressive eye contact. _Joke’s on you, beaky-mc-fuck-face,_ Felix hates eye-contact. He’d never get anywhere staring at his Swede like that. 

Jack scowled and then threw a bit of cheese crumb at the bird. The thing flew off, chirping unhappily at Jack. Jack glared at the thing as it flew off, then glared at Felix, who looked affronted by what Jack had done. “It’s just a bird, dude.”

Jack crossed his arms over his chest with a grumpy huff. “I know that.” He then threw a cheese crumb at Felix. “Finish yer lunch, I wanna go home.” Felix shook his head with an exasperated exhale through his nose, but smiled fondly at Jack from over his sunglasses nonetheless. Jack flushed faintly at the way Felix was looking at him. He threw another crumb, but his throw fell short and Felix laughed again as it fell uselessly onto the table of the bistro. “Fuck off,” Jack grumbled. 

Fucking Swedes and their birds. Fuck them.

. . .

The second time was at the beach, when the waves were abnormally calm and Felix was reading a book while Jack pattered away on his phone, playing games. He wasn’t sure how Felix could find joy in reading. The fuck wasn’t even reading anything good, just some book about psychology and serial killers. _Wait, shit, that’s actually pretty cool_. Jack stubbornly refused to read the jacket, though. He wasn’t about to ask Felix to read aloud to him in public (that was something they saved for the bedroom). Hopefully Felix would pick up the book again later somewhere a little more private and he’d remember to ask.

Then a bird flew over. Looked a little like a crow, a black thing with beady eyes and a beak that could probably severely disfigure a child. The bird brazenly landed near Felix, then _fucking walked over_ like it owned the beach, standing just behind Felix’s shoulder and peering down his chest. 

Jack saw red. 

Felix wasn’t wearing a shirt, and it was glorious, but now this fucking _bird_ was ogling his boy, and Jack wasn’t about to let that happening, not after the stupid weird little house bird with its deranged staring contest. Jack tried to stare the big black thing down, but it didn’t even notice Jack, even when Jack started to hiss at it. The bird just kept staring down Felix. Did it want to eat one of his nipples or something? Over Jack’s dead body. He loved Felix’s nipples. Jack started to whisper violently at the thing. It was an asshole and refused to move (and jesus christ, was Felix engrossed in that book, because Jack could never do anything quietly, not even whisper).

Jack set his jaw, weighing his options. There wasn’t a lot he could do. A stroke of relief went through him when the bird turned away, but the anger came back swiftly when Jack saw the damn bird return with a fucking twig.

An _offering_. A _gift._  

_The bird was courting Felix._

Jack threw a handful of sand at the bastard before he could think better of it. Felix sputtered as he was hit with a handful of sand in the face, courtesy of his totally-sane-and-loving boyfriend. “What the fuck, Seán?!”

“The bird was gonna hurt ye’!” Jack lied, unable to make himself sound any less crazy any other way. “It, it had a fucking needle or something, I couldn’t tell!”

“You threw sand in my mouth! There’s actual dog shit in this sand, Seán!”

“Ye’ could’ve gotten AIDs!”

“I just ate someone’s shit, Seán!”

Jack growled and plopped back onto the sand, staring angrily up at the cloudy sky. “If ye’ ain’t gonna be grateful, then don’t say a damn word!”

“Oh you fucking little—”

Felix cut himself off when he launched himself at Jack, taking a handful of sand and trying to shove it down Jack’s throat and nostrils. Jack shrieked and fought back wildly (because the sand of this beach really wasn’t something he trusted, it was big and full of shells and probably glass, and he had maybe risked giving Felix AIDs by throwing the sand into his face, so, valid point, Felix, valid point). Then Felix had his hand in Jack’s hair and he was outright shoving Jack’s face into the dirt with a war cry worthy of Felix’s valiant ancestors. Jack flailed and accidentally punched Felix in the dick.

“ _Oh my god, I hate you_ ,” Felix wheezed as he fell onto his side, knees to his chest, clutching at his crotch. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” Felix babbled. “You’re never touching this dick again.”

Jack’s face fell. “Like… ever?”

“ _Shut the fuck up_.”

Jack picked up Felix’s book and set about packing away their things as Felix writhed on the ground and acted like a pregnant woman going through labor. (“Breathe, Felix, just breathe, oh my god, Felix, you can do it even though your boyfriend is some sort of fucking psycho, _just breathe._ ”) Jack grumbled unhappily to himself and glared at the big black bird that was circling overhead. “I hope you’re happy now,” Jack said to the thing.

_“How could I be fucking happy?”_

Jack ignored Felix and finished packing, shouldering the bag and starting home, knowing Felix would catch up eventually after he stopped being such a baby. He didn’t expect Felix to understand. Jack knew he’d done the right thing.

. . .

The third time was not really an accident, or weirdly out of place. They were at this bird expo in the middle of a carnival. Some fuckwad in striped shorts had boasted about his collection of beasts and predators of the sky, and Felix had asked to watch because he wanted to see someone get shit on. They’d gotten seats and the show started dully enough— the dude stood in one place, a hawk flew over, the dude stood in another, an owl flew over, then the dude stood in one other spot, and— _oh my god, you wouldn’t believe_ — another fucking bird flew over. Felix seemed to like it, though. He liked watching things fly. 

“I’ll need a volunteer!”

Felix had volunteered, but the guy had chosen a small little girl with lovely pigtails over Felix. No harm there, until the bird (a barn owl, actually) completely ignored its directive and flew past the little girl, landing on Felix like it was nothing. Jack praised fucking god that Felix was wearing a thick jacket, because the claws on this bird were like knives. They could literally kill a man. Felix had stayed perfectly still as the thing sunk its talons into the shoulder of Felix’s jacket, shredding the material. The guy preforming apologized like crazy, obviously bewildered by the way his pet was acting. Jack tried to take a picture, but then the owl started screeching at Jack, literally trying to get him away.

“Hey!” Jack shouted back at the damn thing. “What the fuck?! He’s mine!”

“Seán, babe, please do not anger the extremely dangerous and possibly hostile bird on my shoulder with your jealousy issues,” Felix said way too calmly. “Is it pissed? Please do not make it pissed.”

“I’ll fucking fight ye’!” Jack threatened the bird anyways because he was Irish and that was what the Irish dead. Jack had never fought a human before, and he didn’t plan on it, but birds weren’t people. “Get off him before I pluck yer feathers!”

“Please don’t hurt my bird!” the performer cried out desperately. 

“Get him off me fuckin’ boy!” Jack snarled.

“Seán, we are not out yet,” Felix reminded Jack with too much calm. “Please, for the love of god, cool your fucking tits.”

“I’m gonna fight this bird, Felix,” Jack growled. 

“Do not fight the bird, holy shit, do not fight the bird.”

“Don’t fight my bird!” the performer wailed. The dude finally got his fingers out of his ass and got the owl off of Felix’s shoulder, even as it squawked angrily at everyone and fought to remain latched onto Felix. The wings kept hitting Felix in the face, loud and powerful. Felix just scrunched his eyes closed and mumbled low in Swedish. Then the owl was gone and the performer was apologizing through tears while offering to buy Felix a new jacket, and—

The owl was staring at Felix like it wanted to eat him.

Jack denied himself the satisfaction of throwing something at the bird. Instead, he took Felix by the hand and pulled him from the performance area, seething. “Fucking birds,” he huffed. “Fucking Felix and your _fucking birds_.”

“How is this my fault?” Felix asked despondently, mourning the loss of his jacket.

Jack ignored him and bought Felix a caramel apple to say he was sorry for nearly bruising Felix’s hand with his grip. 

. . .

The most recent time (this very fucking morning) was the last straw. Felix was standing with Jack on the porch, looking out at the rising sun, both of them holding coffee cups in hand and kissing every so gently. Felix’s arm was around Jack’s waist, and Jack had a hand on Felix’s neck. They traded kisses lazily, uncaring of who saw because you couldn’t see them from this angle unless you were standing at their height, directly across from the balcony. It was perfect. Peaceful. Felix moaned softly against Jack’s mouth when Jack brought their hips together _just so_ , and it was shaping up to be a fantastic day.

Until a robin, a sweet little thing, landed on Felix’s shoulder and watched Jack with beady, envious eyes. Jack stopped kissing to stare at the thing, shocked by the audacity of it. He couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“Did Disney reinstate its contract with ye’ or something?”

Felix scrunched his nose up. “What?”

“Are you with Disney again?”

“Uh, no?” Felix made an even more exaggerated face. “I nearly killed myself with that contract, why the hell would I ever go back?”

“Then how the fuck do you explain how you’re magically a fucking Disney princess?” Jack demanded. “This, this is fucking ridiculous, Fe’. Ye’ve had four birds get all up on ye’ in the past two weeks. Ain’t normal, Felix, ain’t normal at all. People are lucky if it happens to them once in a lifetime, and it’s instantly Instagram-ed. Ye’ have it happen _four fucking times_ and ye’ never even _tweet_ about it.”

Felix stared at him. “… Are you honestly jealous of birds, Seán?”

“I’m— I’m—” Saying he was sounded crazy, Jack knew that. God, what the fuck, though? “Why don’t ye’ care that they do this?”

“I dunno, it’s something that’s always happened.” Felix shrugged. “I got used to it. Hasn’t happened in a while, but I guess it’s picking back up again. None of them poop on me, so why would I care? They’re just birds. None of them have ever hurt me.”

“The owl, though.”

“Not as bad as you throwing sand in my face.”

Jack winced. “It had a needle.”

“It had a twig, dude, I could see the thing over my shoulder.”

“Why don’t ye’ care that you’re a Disney Princess?”

“Because I have a dick?” Felix snickered. “Are you telling me I'm pretty? And, I mean, if you wanted to see me in a dress, all you’d have to do is ask. I’ve worn dresses before. I’d be happy to do it for you too.” Felix leaned in and pecked Jack on the corner of his mouth. The sweetness of the gesture was dampened by the robin that was still watching Jack stubbornly. “Dude, really. It’s a bird.”

“Avian flu is not a joke, Felix.”

“No, but apparently our relationship is.”

“Stop letting birds get all up on you,” Jack huffed, rolling his eyes at Felix’s pout. He hooked a finger in Felix’s waistband and tugged him close. “This?” he said, purposefully dragging his eyes down Felix’s body and back up to linger on the curve of Felix’s neck before ending on Felix’s eyes. “This is all mine. I’m Simba, claiming my rightful territory and taking my crown. You’re the spoils of Africa.”

Felix squinted. “Is this racist?”

“Fuck you, it’s supposed to be sexy and romantic.”

“Yeah, I’m not getting either of those.”

Jack shoved him away lightly. The bird finally fucked off. “Just remember who ye’ belong to,” Jack said before giving Felix a showboating wink. “And if ye’ ever let a bird stare at your fuckin’ nipples for more than five seconds again, I’m buying you a collar.” Jack brushed past Felix (grabbing a nice handful of Felix’s cock through the soft cotton of Felix’s sweatpants), before going back inside. 

Behind him, he just barely heard Felix’s exasperated exhalation of: “that was the most ridiculous conversation I’ve ever had with you.” Jack grinned to himself and finished off his coffee. At least now they had established that Jack was dating a Disney Princess.


End file.
